CHAPTER 1

WHAT MAKES COACHING THE PERSON SO POWERFUL?

Ideas are our rules—for better or worse.

—JOHN DEWEY

USING COACHING SKILLS has become a critical competency for leadership in global companies. Coaching credentials are required by most corporate buyers when hiring external coaches, even when they aren’t sure what the credentials represent.

On the consumer side, awareness of the value of coaching is growing.¹ Unfortunately, according to the Federal Trade Commission, some people still lose a great deal of money to those who sell “business coaching packages” that promise big money from their programs.² Though the number of individuals hiring coaches is growing worldwide, we still have work to do to teach the public how to evaluate if coaches and programs adhere to professional standards so the value of professional coaching continues to grow.

The success and ongoing growth of coaching is due to one fact: it works. Other attempts at motivation and influence aren’t as effective.

HOW COACHING WORKS

Most people don’t relate coaching to the important work of John Dewey. They will tell you coaching came from the first founders of coaching schools, the teachings of Sir John Whitmore or Carl Rogers, neurolinguistic programming masters, or their favorite leadership book. These are great sources of coaching tools. The reason these tools work could be found in John Dewey’s writing long before our current coaching gurus were born.

Coaching is valuable because none of us transform our thinking on our own. Humans are masters at rationalizing hastily made choices no matter how logical we think we are. We’re also exceptional at blaming whomever or whatever we can when those choices turn out badly.

As Daniel Kahneman said in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, we resist self-exploration especially when emotions are involved. We don’t change well on our own. To stop adverse thinking patterns, someone outside our head needs to disrupt our thinking by reflecting our thoughts back to us and asking questions that prompt us to wonder why we think the way we do.³ These statements and questions enable us to see our concocted stories as if they were laid out in front of us in a book to be read and analyzed.

Adults need this help to expand their thinking as much as children do, and sometimes more. As we age, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become masters at rationalizing our actions, ignoring our emotions, and finding what confirms our beliefs. We don’t distance ourselves from social pressures. We’re too busy to stop and examine our beliefs and choices.

Dewey said that reflective inquiry would not only open a person to learning but also bring to light stereotypes and inherited biases. By bringing beliefs, assumptions, fears, needs, and conflicts of values to the surface, a person can better evaluate decisions and actions. He also said provoking people to think about their thinking was the “single most powerful antidote to erroneous beliefs and autopilot.”⁴

When we are willing, reflective practices lead us to say, “Wow, look at what I’m doing to myself.” Sometimes we say, “Those aren’t my words. Someone gave them to me.” We become objective observers of our stories.

Reflections followed by questions prompt us to stop and question our thinking and behaviors. This disruption initiates a shift in how we see ourselves and the world, or at least how we are framing a dilemma. We see a new way forward with a stronger commitment to taking action than if we were told what we should do by an expert.

Dewey also said the most intelligent people need the most help thinking about their thinking. Smart people are the best rationalizers. They believe their reasoning wholeheartedly and will protect their opinions as solid facts. Telling them to change is a waste of time. Using strong reflections and questions is the only way to get smart people to question their thoughts.

Leadership expert Hal Gregersen says unexpected shifts are always around the corner in life and business.⁵ We must go beyond the bounds of what we know. Because our brains resist this exploration when left to their own devices, we can navigate daily dilemmas better with coaches who use reflective inquiry.

YOUR BRAIN ON COACHING

To go about our days without having to think through every action, our brains develop constructs and rules we operate with unconsciously. Neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga says we get stuck in our automatic thought processing and fool ourselves into thinking we are acting consciously and willfully.⁶

Then, to protect our identity and routines, when someone questions our choices without asking permission, we quickly defend ourselves. We angrily respond when our beliefs are challenged. Unless we invite the assessment, we fortify our defensive walls to protect our perspective. Even if an argument makes sense, we’re more likely to find a reason for our beliefs than recognize the flaws.

To think differently, we need to invite someone to help us examine our thinking. Only then do we dare stop the brain from quickly reacting. Disruption must be welcomed to interrupt our automatic thought processing.

Enter the coach. If we seek coaching, we are inviting the external interruption that compels us to stop and examine our thinking and behavior. Our brains resist a surprise attack from someone who points out faults in our thinking. Knowing the value of coaching, we willingly invite a coach to look for these faults together with us.

Coaching versus Telling

Many leaders think it is easier to give advice than to take the time to coach others to find their own solutions. They don’t realize they are wasting time instead of saving it.

When you tell people what to do, you tap into their cognitive brain, where they can analyze your words using what they already know. If what you suggest relates to or affirms their current knowledge, they are likely to agree with you. They might have needed outside confirmation to fortify their confidence before acting.

Offering ideas might sound like an efficient way to guide people’s actions. This is true, but you also run the risk of making them dependent on you for answers or approval before they act. You won’t create independent thinkers.

The results are even less productive if they didn’t seek your counsel. They might hear you but then forget what you said in a very short time. The cognitive brain uses short-term memory, which is limited by both time and capacity. Other issues rank higher in importance, edging out your requests and ideas. We often don’t remember what we ate for breakfast much less what someone told us to do.

Even if you do remember what someone told you during the day, you will lose the memory once you go to sleep. The brain sorts through input from the day to determine what is worth saving in long-term memory. It retains bits of information that triggered emotions; emotions tell the brain that something is important to remember. Unless you inspire people with your ideas or shock them with a unique perspective, they won’t remember what you said the next day. Or they might remember but confuse details when they attempt to reconstruct what you said. We alter our memories every time we recall them.

Remember all those quizzes you took in grade school to test your learning? How many would you pass today? Unless you continually use the information you memorized, it is lost. The brain finds no reason for keeping it.

The cognitive brain may be good at problem-solving, but it’s not so good at learning. Also, if people come to depend on you for answers, they lose motivation to think for themselves. This approach may work for consultants who want long-term work, but it’s not the best when you are a leader, parent, teacher, or coach who wants to help people think for themselves.

Coaching versus Threatening: The Feedback Myth

When people experience a threat, they move into a defensive position. Threats include negative feedback and what people must do “or else.” If they comply, their brains lodge the direction given along with the feedback as critical to implement. Fear-based learning is encoded as a survival response in the primitive brain. When faced with similar situations, people react in a way to avoid the threat of “or else” and receive the reward for behaving correctly, even if circumstances have changed. Their brains don’t trust being told to act differently. Resistance to change occurs because the current behavior was learned through fear.

Additionally, giving feedback often triggers stress, shame, and fear. The helpful information you give people often raises defenses or lowers confidence, decreasing initiative and innovation.

In the article “Find the Coaching in Criticism,” Harvard Law professors Sheila Heen and Douglas Stone found that even wellintentioned opinions “spark an emotional reaction, inject tension into the relationship, and bring communication to a halt” no matter the position or years of experience of either the leader or feedback recipient. People want to learn and grow, but they also have a basic human need for acceptance. Feedback, especially if unsolicited, is painful.⁷

The leaders I coach still tell me that people want feedback. Yet their direct reports tell me when I interview them that they want to improve but don’t want more feedback. They want two-way conversations that pull out their ideas and open their eyes to greater possibilities, not one-way directives focused on what they did wrong.

Unfortunately, coaching is often confused with giving feedback. Even if feedback is received well, if you then tell people what to do instead, you aren’t coaching them to determine what they can do differently to get better results.

Unless someone asks for your advice because they truly don’t have a clue what to do, your feedback creates resistance or compliance. You stunt instead of grow people’s minds.

Coaching Taps into the Middle Brain

When it comes to influencing a change in behavior, you want to activate people’s creative minds instead of their survival or analytical mechanisms. You don’t start by telling them what they did wrong. When you ask people to review what happened in a situation, they usually know what didn’t work. People tend to be their harshest critics. Ask them to assess their behavior first. They might then ask for help on how to change. Even then, you want to explore their ideas before offering your own.

The middle brain houses long-term memory. Tapping into people’s prior knowledge to strategize a new way forward arouses both a positive sense of responsibility and courage. If improvement conversations started with a coaching approach instead of feedback, they would activate creativity instead of provoking defensiveness.

A reflective inquiry–based conversation focused on how people think facilitates insight-based learning. Creative thoughts emerge as people pull out and connect bits of stored information in a new way to answer a provocative question. When their thoughts, beliefs, and emotional reactions are held up in reflection, they are prompted to examine their thinking. As their reasoning and justifications begin to unravel, their brain quickly reorders bits of information to make more sense. They have an insight that feels like an aha moment. Their perception changes. They gain a new awareness of themselves and the world around them. Insight-based learning develops people’s minds and confidence.

Using reflective statements and questions in a way that prompts people to examine what they are thinking incites creative breakthroughs. You are cracking the ego walls that protect how they see themselves and what they believe should happen in the world around them. For a moment, they will stare at you as their brains go offline to make sense of what is being altered in their stories and definitions. The first glimpse at this new truth could cause an emotional reaction before the insight is clear enough for them to articulate. If you help them solidify the new awareness by asking what they are now seeing or learning, you fortify the shift.⁸

Consider a time you felt stuck sorting out a work relationship that had soured. The sudden, new solution to the problem probably didn’t come to you as you hovered over your desk ruminating over past conversations. The insight that showed you a new way to approach the situation likely came as a result of a statement made or question posed by someone else.

When someone you trust challenges your reasoning and asks you a question that breaks through your protective frame, your brain is forced to reorder data in your long-term memory. For a moment, the breakdown feels awkward. In the midst of this discomfort, your brain is most open to learning. A new, broader perspective forms. You may feel a range of emotions from sad to outright angry for not seeing the truth before. You might feel vulnerable, embarrassed, and even scared. Often, my clients laugh at what they see—after they gasp.

Coaching that uses a reflective inquiry approach improves both outcomes and satisfaction. People want two-way conversations that pull out their ideas and open their eyes to greater possibilities, not one-way directives focused on what they did wrong.

Sometimes, a course correction is vital. But if the smart people you are coaching know what to do but aren’t doing it, the conversation should focus on what is stopping them from applying what they know, not on giving feedback and advice.

WHEN TO COACH AND WHEN NOT TO

Many coaches will tell you they do “hybrid coaching” that blends mentoring into the conversation. They say people want our opinions and the benefits of our experiences. They explore their clients’ views of a problem and then tell them what to do.

You are either coaching or you’re doing something else. Something else might be exactly what someone needs, but this is not true in every situation.

Some well-known coaches declare just asking questions wastes people’s time. They staunchly defend their reasons for giving advice.

I agree—only asking questions is a waste of time. Coaching includes reflective practices, such as summarizing, noticing emotional shifts, and acknowledging courageous actions. Reflections can be just as powerful as or more powerful than solo questions.

The notion of hybrid coaching dilutes the value of coaching. When you mix mentoring, advice giving, and leading people to what is best for them into what you call coaching, people come to expect the easy way out. They look forward to your telling them what to do. This might be helpful, but if coaching is what they really want or need, they miss experiencing this powerful technology for creating breakthroughs and growth.

Many times, people don’t want or need coaching.

You need to determine with them what they want from you. Then call what you are doing what it is—coaching or something else.

First Establish a Desire for Coaching

Once, when a colleague tried to coach me on a situation when I only wanted to talk, I shut her down. “Stop coaching me. Right now, I just need a friend.” That incident made me look at the times when I butted in, trying to coach my friends.

Outside a formally declared coaching session, ask people if they would like some coaching before you start probing. You might ask, “What do you need from me right now?” They might just want to be listened to, especially if they are outraged about a situation or they are grieving a loss.

Even if they say they want coaching, make sure they are willing to engage with you. They must demonstrate a willingness to question their own thoughts and motivations, not just seek affirmation for their views. For example, they might want you to hear them create a plan, but they aren’t open to being coached around the plan’s purpose, practicality, or contingencies.

Some people are verbal processors, meaning they think best out loud with someone present. If they say they just want to think through a situation or sort out options, ask, “What kind of sounding board would be most useful?” A little bit of reflection—summarizing and paraphrasing—might be welcome. Ask before you interrupt their flow.

However, don’t assume defensiveness means they are uncoachable. Ask what is causing the pushback or uncertainty. They may be wary but willing to explore what else could work.

Next, Be Sure Coaching Is the Right Option

Sometimes people lack experience and knowledge to draw on to formulate a new perspective. You can’t coach something out of nothing.

Be careful—this deficit is real. When people say they have no idea what to do, ask if they have no idea or if they are questioning a solution that comes to mind. I often find that people who say they don’t know what to do actually do know. They have a solution but are afraid to use it. In such cases, I might say, “You have many life experiences. I bet you have some ideas” or “If you had nothing to lose, what would you try?” or “Have you ever observed someone else in this position or scenario—might you try what you observed or do the opposite?” If they still have no ideas, put on your mentoring hat and offer options.

Coaching is best used when clients have some knowledge and skills to draw on but they aren’t sure about the options, what’s best to do first, or the reasons for their own uncertainty. If they have a decision to make but are confused by the shoulds that bombard their brains or they are afraid of making a wrong move, they will benefit from coaching.

You can always start with coaching. If you discover they don’t have the experience or knowledge to know what to do, you can ask if you can step out of coaching to offer suggestions.

Remember, the key word that differentiates what coaches do is partnering. Coaches are thinking partners. We do not see our clients as clueless or needing to be fixed. They often can use their creativity and resources to solve their own problems through a coaching conversation that focuses on seeing beyond their blocks.

When I teach coaching skills, I ask my students, “Are you willing to give up being the one who knows best to be the coach?” You must step out of being the expert, fixer, or helper to coach.

Learn When Not to Coach

Do not coach if you can’t do the following:

• Let go of how you want the conversation to go. You want clients to resolve their problems, but you can’t be attached to how the conversation will progress or what the outcome will be. If you can’t detach, you will end up forcing the conversation in the direction you want it to go.
• Believe in the clients’ ability to figure out what to do. Do you have any judgments about your clients that could get in the way? If you doubt their ability to find a way forward, then choose to mentor instead. Otherwise, your impatience will impact your conversations even if you have been trained to put on a poker face.
• Feel hopeful, curious, and care. If you are angry or disappointed with clients, they will react to your emotions more than your words. If you are afraid the conversations won’t go well, do what you can to release your fear so you model what courage and optimism feel like.

Not all conversations can or should be coaching sessions. Figure out what people need and then choose to coach or do something else.

IDEAL COACHING SCENARIOS

Opportunities to coach people often show up in these scenarios, including both personal and work circumstances:

• Exploring ways to improve communications
• Facing fears of conflict and emotional reactions in oneself and others
• Finding solutions for dealing with difficult people and situations
• Strengthening relationships at work and home
• Articulating desires and visions, both personally and professionally
• Managing stress and well-being to maximize energy
• Sorting through difficult decisions
• Experiencing greater fulfillment and success
• Dealing with work and life changes
• Leading through changes in the organization and in the world
• Inspiring greater team performance
• Aligning leadership teams
• Shifting the corporate culture
• Increasing employee engagement throughout the organization
• Identifying development paths, both preparing for and succeeding in new roles

At work, you can also use coaching to better connect and engage with others. A survey published in Harvard Business Review found young high achievers were often dissatisfied with the lack of mentoring and coaching they received.⁹ A good way of engaging people is to be curious about what they want for their futures or ask what they need right now to overcome challenges and then listen to their responses. They want conversations that expand their minds as well as their skills.

For coaching to be successful, clients should know what will occur in a typical coaching session. Conversations about the coaching process generally happen at the beginning of a coaching relationship. Clients should also be told they will experience the best outcomes if they do the following:

• Respond to reflective statements and questions, even when it feels uncomfortable. This is the best opportunity for a breakthrough!
• Be an active participant, not a curious bystander.
• Be open, honest, and willing to explore what isn’t clear or fully known about themselves, others, and the situation.
• Meet commitments for action between sessions and show up for scheduled sessions unless an unexpected emergency emerges.
• Carve out time to think about the coaching conversation after a session and immediately before the next session.

Coaching has found its place in our world. It is a valuable way to facilitate behavioral change. Coaching helps people think more broadly for themselves when they feel challenged or unsure and provides clarity and direction for people who want to accomplish more.